


Deserving

by My_Chemical_Mermaid



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Byleth's POV, Dimitri's POV, F/M, Friendship, I clearly don't know how to use tags, Kissing, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Post-Time Skip, this is my first time posting on here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 17:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21462196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Chemical_Mermaid/pseuds/My_Chemical_Mermaid
Summary: A couple weeks after Rodrigue's death, Dimitri catches Byleth on a sleepless night. They're both vulnerable and unsure of how to act around each other after so long estranged. They need each other but don't know in what way.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 4
Kudos: 76





	Deserving

**Author's Note:**

> This my first time posting on AO3 so I'm unfamiliar with the formatting. Please bear with me and I hope you enjoy!

The lazy hum of spring rain was the only sound echoing off the stone walkways as Dimitri wandered aimlessly throughout the monastery. The past five years had passed mostly sleeplessly for him. He typically only slept when his body gave out from exhaustion. In the weeks following Rodrigue’s death. He had finally allowed himself to rest. It was a small thing, he thought, sleep, but it had helped keep the voices at bay. Kept them quieter. But insomnia had found him again tonight so he walked the paths of the monastery, hoping to wear out his body so his mind could rest. He was beginning to think that no amount of sleep could cure his weary soul.

He was walking past the sauna, when his eyes caught sight of light green hair coming down the steps. He could not bid his legs to move once they had stopped.

"Dimitri," she caught sight of him, her expression neutral. She didn't have to ask what kept him up at this hour, she already knew.

Byleth wore a simple black cloak over a simple cream colored shift. It could not have been enough to keep her warm in the rain. On her hip she held an empty laundry basket.

"Professor," he greeted, attempting not to notice how the rain made her dress cling to her skin. "Laundry at this hour? There are monks who would gladly help you with your laundry in the morning."

A small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, "I couldn't sleep. Thought I would get something done. We're so short-handed these days anyway."

She bid him to walk with her with a tilt of her head. He walked in stride next to her.

"Did the rain keep you awake?" Dimitri asked. He had no idea how to act around her anymore. He wasn't her student anymore. And she had seen him through the tempest of his rage. He was ashamed of his behavior towards her and everyone else. But more than anyone except perhaps Dedue, she had stood by him. She knew him better than anyone else but still, after five years she felt like a stranger. He was mixed up, unable to sort through the jumbled puzzle that was his feelings towards her.

"No," her face darkened. "It wasn't the rain. I was thinking about familiar faces on the battlefield. The friends we've killed."

"Oh, I see." What could he say? She knew he understood what that feels like. He was only a little surprised that she struggled with this as well. He knew she felt guilty for the souls she's snuffed out in battle, they all did. But it was unexpected to see that it kept her up at night.

"I think about what I might have done differently. If I could have just had a chance to talk to them. Could I have prevented their deaths by our hands? By my hands?" He knuckles were white around the edge of the basket. Her cloak obscured her face as she looked away.

"Professor, you have always done everything you can to protect life. But war is not pretty. There are no easy paths or choices. If there had been another way, I am certain you would have found it."

Byleth turned her piercing green eyes up to him imploringly.

"Thank you, Dimitri." She pulled her cloak closer to her body.

Dimitri had only seen her this vulnerable after her father had died. He wondered why she was showing him this side of her. Was it because he had happened to catch her up late? Was it because she had seen him be vulnerable when Rodrigue died? He wasn't sure, but it made him want to wrap his cloak around her shoulders. He resisted that urge though. She didn't like to be fussed over.

They walked for a bit in silence until they came to her dorm. It was a small room, unfitting for a professor or the champion of their cause. Byleth didn't seem to mind. She seemed to like sharing a living space with her former students, even though she could have easily moved into the faculty dorm her father left empty.

Byleth unlocked the door and set her basket down inside. He stood in her doorway.

"Would you like to come in for some tea? Maybe a nice soothing blend will help us sleep," she offered, hanging her cloak on a hook on the wall. There was a small clay basin directly underneath to collect the rainwater that dripped off.

With her cloak off he was able to see much more of her form. He politely averted his eyes from staring at the near-translucent shift. Before he looked away, he couldn't help but notice the small round nubs poking out of her chest. Perhaps he was imagining things but he thought she looked nervous.

"Ah, that would be nice. But I don't want to keep you up any longer. I will let you dry off. Goodnight Professor." He turned on his heels to exit.

"Byleth," she said.

"What?" He turned back.

"I'm not really your professor anymore, am I? Please, call me Byleth." She took a couple steps closer to him which made his heart race. This wasn't a battle or a dangerous situation. Why couldn't he stop his heart from pounding?

"Alright," he couldn't help but smile. He didn't think he'd had a proper smile in five years. "Goodnight . . . Byleth."

"Goodnight Dimitri."

On an impulse, he took her face in between his hands and kissed her hard. Byleth made a muffled noise in surprise, but then her hands were in his hair. He pushed her backwards and pressed her body up against the desk. She moaned into the kiss and parted her lips for him to slip his tongue inside. Despite her cold, wet dress, her body was warm. He licked inside hungrily as his arms pulled her body closer. He needed to feel more of her. Her arms encircled his shoulders and she responded to his feral kiss with a wildness of her own. She pressed herself into him and he felt her hips curve into his. A low rumble came from his throat unbidden. She was intoxicating.

_ Monster. Don't forget, you belong to us. _

Dimitri reeled back, nearly falling over when the backs of his knees hit her bed.

"Dimitri!" Her dilated eyes widened with concern. Her damp hair was mussed and her lips were swollen and red. "Are you alright?"

_ No!  _ The voices screamed.  _ Look at what you have done to her. You do not deserve her. _

"I-I...I'm, he stammered, staggering away from her even as she reached out to touch him.

_ You are not to be touched or loved. You are a base and vile creature. Your life is not your own. _

"Is it the voices?" She searched his face but he wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Forgive me. I shouldn't have done that," He stepped out into the rain. "Please . . . forget it happened."

And he was racing away. The voices wouldn't be silent, even as he ran. How could he be such a fool? He no longer believed he was an empty vessel for the rage of the dead, the voices didn't command him anymore. But still his evil deeds were done. He was covered in blood. How could someone who killed without mercy deserve to be kissed, to be touched.

But she had kissed him back. Even now, his clothes were warm from the press of her body against his. The taste of her lingered on his tongue. His hair and eyepatch askew from her surprisingly small hands. He felt her touch lingering. Why had she accepted his tainted touch?

He collapsed on the bed in his room, not bothering to shed his rain soaked clothes. The voices ensured he would not sleep this night.

***

"Dimitri, it's alright-"

Byleth called after Dimitri's retreating form. But he could not or would not hear her. She debated running after him but she didn't know what comfort she could offer. Any kindness right now might make things worse.

She closed her door and slid back down against it. She banged her head lightly against the door twice before hanging it. Certainly whatever friendship they had managed to piece back together after 5 years apart had been broken again.

Kissing Dimitri had been like breathing for the first time. Before coming to the monastery, Byleth thought she had been asleep. A silent, apathetic observer of her own life. It's not to say she didn't feel anything, but everything was soft and half-formed. She didn't even know it. When she had met Dimitri and the other students at Garreg Mach, a quickening had stirred inside of her. During those precious few months 5 years ago, she found her heart could beat, race, skip, and even stop.

The depth of emotion was a double-edged sword. When her father was killed, Byleth was overwhelmed, consumed. She had felt anger at those who wronged or hurt others before but she had never felt such a maelstrom of fury and anguish. And as quickly and as hotly as it had burned, it left. And all she was left with was a dull, empty ache and bitterness for the ones responsible.

In her time of need, Soothis and her friends at Garreg Mach were there for her. Once the firestorm of her anger had gone out, affection and deep gratitude settled in its place. Her grief lingered but the ordeal had forged unbreakable bonds with her students and friends.

She counted Dimitri among the closest. Being his professor, she had refused to acknowledge how deep her feelings for him ran, even to herself. In fact, the true nature of what she felt for him hit her hard when it was too late. 5 years too late. It was devouring in a whole new confusing way.

She could have never imagined how good it would feel to kiss him. She'd wanted him to go farther. To touch her in a way no one else had. To lay her down on the bed and make her feel like no one else had. And maybe one day when their war was over, to give him the ring that her father had passed on to her.

_ I hope one day you'll give it to someone you love _ , he had said.

Byleth wished he was here. Would he tell her to forget Dimitri and move on? She could almost hear his voice calling Dimitri a brat and telling her not to waste her time on him. Then again, perhaps he would only lend her comfort and tell her she must make her own decisions no matter what he thought. Maybe he would say if she truly loved him, she should fight for him.

Was it right to feel that way? When Edlegard's treachery had been revealed, Dimitri snapped. It was frightening. If she'd been there for him, if she hadn't rushed into battle that day the monastery was attacked, maybe things would have been different. Maybe

Getting up from the ground, Byleth shed her damp shift and let herself fall into the soft mattress, freshly replaced after 5 years of disuse and insect activity. She curled up in a ball under the warm, heavy winter blanket.

It wasn't right. Dimitri was still putting back the pieces of his shattered mind, still nursing his wounded soul. It wasn't right for her to complicate things for him. He was still mourning Rodrigue. All she should be for him right now is shoulder to lean on. He needed her, but not in the way she wanted him to need her. It wasn't fair to expect him to be ready for anything more than friendship.

Byleth had to see him through this war. To see them both through this war. She would stand by him as a friend. She would let him grieve and find a way to live for himself, not for the dead, and not for her.


End file.
